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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Weakness and Pain

Whimper, whimper, bark, bark.  It's 6:30 and right on time Tucker calls. I venture out to find his kennel and am greeted with tail wags and more whimpers.  I pick him up and walk him outside to do his private puppy business.  Still groggy from pain killers, I am too dizzy to stand so I find the front steps and sit and wait.  I use this time to talk with God and share my heart with him.  Soon enough Tucker puppy has completed his task and wants to play.  It's cold and wet out so instead I stand and pick him up.  It's now time to clean his paws and tummy from all the moisture and dirt he picked up while out. We walk together to the kitchen where he knows his breakfast will be served.  Patting him on the head I leave him to wake the kids for school.

"Jesse, shower time buddy".  He slowly sits up and greets me.  Obediently he gets his clothes and off to the shower he goes.  I check on Naomi and let her sleep some more.  With only one bathroom she gets to sleep in while Jesse occupies it.  I return to the kitchen finding Tucker patiently waiting for his food and fresh water.  I get him situated and find Chipper kitty asking for the same.  With both of them taken care of I find time to prepare some coffee.  Waiting for it to brew I get out the toaster and insert an english muffin.  I must eat before taking my next dosage of pain killer.  I sit and hear the crunch sounds coming from Chipper and the slurping coming from the other side of the room as Tucker fights his water.  Feeling every painful area of my body I take a deep breath and convince myself to carry on with the morning tasks.

Opening the fridge I get out the waffles Josh prepared before leaving town for a conference.  I thank God for a caring husband who normally does the morning routine with the kids.  And for his thoughtfulness in trying to make this week a little easier for me.  Jesse is now out of the shower and blow drying his hair. Naomi has woken and is getting dressed.  I call them out to breakfast and joyfully they come. Such happy kids they are!  Jesse asks how I am feeling.  "okay" I say.  After blessing the food I excuse myself and walk out of the room with an indescribable pain.  I don't want them to see me this way so I stay in the bathroom for some time.  This flare is getting worse I feel.  I pray to God for strength and relief. 

I grab my heating pad and coat as we head out the door. I tell the kids they will have to walk into school building by themselves.  "I am still in my PJ's and-"  Naomi interrupts with "That's okay!".  "Is there anything I can do to help mom?"  Jesse asks.  I thank him for offering and give him a hug.  The seven miles to the school are filled with silence.  We arrive at the school without a minute to spare.  I remind them I will be dropping them off at the front steps instead of parking and walking them in.  We hold hands and I pray for them.  I pray for their teachers, the safety of the school and thank God for them. I pray that their light would shine for Jesus and  my voice cracks. Not from emotion but from the pain within.  I close our prayer with an Amen.  "Are you okay mom?"  I hear Jesse asks again.  My lips quiver a response "I'm in a lot of pain buddy" and then the tears fall.  They hug me good-bye and I kiss them on the cheek.  Such sweet kids I have. I reassure them that I will be okay.  I tell them to get going.  As the back doors of the station wagon open, I remind Naomi that she is having hot lunch.  "My lunch!".  Jesse realizes I didn't throw it in his backpack.  I apologize and with hesitation he says it's okay.  I know he doesn't want to eat taco salad.... poor guy.  Off they go.  I check my rear view mirror as I pull away from the front steps of the school.  At the stop sign I wipe the tears from my face and I ask God for help.  As I drive home I regret crying in front of the kids.  It weighs on me that they have to carry this burden with me.  I don't want them to stress about me or to be so aware of my struggle.  They are far too young to be worrying.

I wish to be the best mom I can be and today I am just not quite there.  Arriving at home the heating pad has lost it's heat.  I plug it back in and go to the fridge.  I retrieve Jesse's lunch and head back to the school.  Trying to redeem myself I suppose.  Arriving at the school parking lot I call the main office.  I confess to the secretary that I am still in PJ's and not wanting to embarrass Jesse- or myself- I don't want to walk into the building.  She understands and meets me outside.  She takes his lunch and warmly shares a smile.  It warms my heart. 

On my drive home I continue to talk to my Lord and faithful friend.  I give him my burden, I give him my tears.  At home I take Tucker out again.  "what a good boy you are" I say as he comes back to me after going potty.  The heating pad is warm and I am in need of it.  I lay down and before long I doze off.  

A few hours later I wake from the pain.  The medicine has worn off.  Again I must eat something with the medicine.  I am scared to eat as I haven't figured out what causes this flare within my body.  I get out some IC friendly rice pudding and take my medicine.  I am lightheaded so I make my way to the couch.  My Bible and journal in front of me and my heating pad secure in place I lie down and let God's words encourage me.   
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.  Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:6-8 


  1. Oh Xio! :( How horrible this must be for you. I don't have words to say, advice to give or direction to take. All I can say is I'm praying for you and wish there was some way to make it all better for you.

  2. Kei, Prayer is just the right thing. Thank you so much dear friend. I cling to him and am encouraged through you. Thank you. ~Xiomara

  3. I don't have the words. Thank you for posting this. I understand the longing to be a better mother than we sometimes can be when the pain is raging. Your kids are blessed to have you and you to have them. Your weakness will help them grow strong with compassion, and you stronger with faith & trust in the One we serve. Love you, my dear friend!

  4. So sorry Xio... Prayers to you. Don't give up on diet changes, exercise, and other alternative options. I know that you are smart and that you research, but there has to be something...
    (did you mean bed or God in you Psalm? ;-)

  5. I am just so sorry that you are on this incredibly painful journey. I know almost nothing about this in your life, except that it's been bothering you for a while. You're on my heart and my mind, and you're in my prayers on this, the same day, that we have just welcomed our newest intern couple here . . . take care, sweet friend . . .

  6. Bless you, Xiomara. Thank you for posting this. Some burdens are so heavy that there is no way to bear them without the constant abiding presence of God. I wish there was a way to lift the pain from you, but I pray every day for God to hold you close. You are very loved!


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