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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wrestling with the new self.

It's hard to put into words and describe the struggles that come hand in hand with a chronic illness.  As many times as I've tried I just can't quite find the right way to explain all the areas an illness effects.  From effecting those you love to the way you do life.  The big things. The small things.  I find that mostly only other chronically ill friends get what a diagnosis and illness does to a life. A family, children growing up, friendships. A soul.

I've always been a bit of a control freak.  A bit OCD, organized, scheduled and driven.  This illness has taken all those things. I am no longer the person I once was.  No longer the person I want to be.  Those things that I dearly valued have had to be readjusted because I can't do all the things I used to be able to do.  And even if I try I seem to fail more than I succeed.

Many days are accompanied by pain.  Yet life must go on.  The world continues to spin.  Daily each morning arrives and with it comes expectations from all angles.

 The schedule is maxed, the soul beaten and the heart bruised.  But this truth remains a stronger constant:
I will never walk alone.
Peace is mine. 
God has a perfect plan, even when I can't see it.
My God is faithful, trustworthy and present.
Though life has trouble God is good. 
Tonight as I was driving home I heard this on the radio.  I remember clinging to this song when my sweet girl was hospitalized, while she underwent blood work, x-rays, ultra sounds and finally a cat scan that informed us for a condition we had never heard of.  Waiting as she was being operated on, I sang this to the Lord.  When she had to go back for another surgery, again the song accompanied the fear and the pain. Through Naomi's ARS and through my chronic illness this song has brought comfort simply because it is truth.  When life brings about pain, heartache and trouble one thing is a constant.  His strong, safe hands. 

May you too, be able to know this goodness, this peace and comfort.  This safe place in whatever situation you may find yourself in.  ~Much love, Xiomara


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