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Friday, May 25, 2012

My friend. The ugly one.

Fear. It's an ugly thing.  Dark, consuming, pins and needles, restlessness kind of ugly friend. It doesn't always look ugly however.  Sometimes I mask it with kinder words like concern or care. When in reality it is an ugly joy sucker that creeps in innocently. It whispers "you just want to be cautious" or "thinking of the worse case scenario is good because it can prepare your mind and heart".  Lies sandwiched in truth. 

When I focus on being cautions and researching all the options it can be a good thing.  I seriously value education. I believe it is my responsibility to be well aware of risks that I take.  Educated and well aware of the risks, however, can too easily lead to fear-- personally.  After having this constant pain and trying several forms of relief that I was comfortable with now I am at the point of needing to take daily drugs.  Something that I am not a big fan of to say the least.

Arriving from a long drive to Portland and back after seeing my doctor I just wanted to rest and lie down.  Comfy with a heating pad and some good music.  The computer kept calling my name. WebMD kept coming to mind.  After hearing from a friend that had been prescribed the same type of medication and hearing her severe {scary} side effects I gave in.  I read and read and read and chewed off all my nails.  Yuck.  Fear is yucky like that. 

All through this I've been grabbing my Bible, grasping for comfort and truth and most of all searching for JOY!  Isn't it so wonderful to know God is always within grasp.  Daily hugs, daily whispers of "you are loved"  "you are my treasure" and my favorite whisper from Him "I am in control and DO have a plan". 

So friend, do you and I share a mutual ugly friend?  Does she sit by you whispering ugly lies sandwiched with truth?  "what if you fail", "that won't work", "don't try again- it's not worth it", "It's too hard", "you won't last long", "you aren't good enough" She can be vicious all the while playing us like she is our BFF who simply is out for our good.  I have felt her words pierce deep as I've gone through all the studio changes.  As the market keeps changing; almost daily another photographer joining the ranks with little education. I  Have let her play in my head far too long. Have let her whisper words of caution that inject fear with my children "what if.... ".  Letting her effect with daily choices and daily living.  Fear. Ugly. Liar.

Have you felt victim to her gentle yet venomous words? You are not alone whatever your circumstance.  Whatever your fear.  Sometimes just knowing you are not alone is enough.  Other times you are strong enough to move to change.  Strong enough to stand up to the bully that calls herself a friend.

Today I'm strong enough to silence the ugly lies and sing gladly.  Declaring and allowim Him to be my shield from the lies. My strength when I can't do it alone. My shelter in which I take refuge and am safe. And glad. And again I feel joy.  Peace.  And comfort. 



"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
 John 14: 27 ESV

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